It’s almost Valentine’s day and I know this day can bring up an array of feelings for many of you, so I wanted to write you a note in case you have ever or are experiencing feelings of failure when it comes to love.
As a foreword, I want to point out that feelings of failure in the love department aren’t reserved for those who are single. Rather these feelings are very much a topic for women (and men!) who are currently in relationships and even in marriages.
This is important to note, because I have heard so many single women equating “success in love” with simply being married. As many married women will tell you, that is simply not true.
In my work as a coach, I have witnessed both -single women and women in relationships- share feelings of emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, frustration, anger, and jealousy.
What I find fascinating (though not surprising) is that not only our emotional states are impacted by our relationship status, but our physical health as well.
Check out these findings about how your marital happiness and status is connected to your health:
While studies show that happily married women have a better chance to recover from certain cancers, have lower blood pressure, and better bone health, unhappily married women have a higher risk of developing coronary artery calcification, have higher blood pressure (likely due to emotional stress) and suffer from insomnia more frequently than both, happily married and single women.
While I obviously don’t want you to freak out over these numbers, I do want to challenge you to think about success and failure in love in a broader, more open and free-er way.
When we are driven by a fear of being single, because we equate that with failure, we are missing something really important: the actual desire and wish behind the fear, which typically is companionship, intimacy, connection, safety, support, pleasure, adventure...
When we are caught up in fear and identify ourselves as failures, we lose sight of the things we actually want and if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I am a firm believer in the idea that YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR.
Being specific in formulating your desires, wants and needs -no matter if you are single or in a relationship- is HUGE.
Saying “I want to have a boyfriend” is vague and non-specific. You can probably find “a” boyfriend, but the point is that you want to find someone uniquely amazing to you, someone who sees your inner and outer beauty and cherishes you no matter what. Dare to SAY THAT!
Similarly, saying “I want a better relationship” is just as vague and doesn’t tell anyone anything. You are not tuned into what you really want and so you cannot communicate it to your partner.
Another misleading belief that I often hear is that the way to go about finding a great man is that you first have to get men to like you.
Here is a secret, love: If you are trying to be attractive to as many men as possible, you are looking for attention, not love. You are looking to fill an internal void rather than find true connection.
You are missing one important message: It only takes ONE man to create a fulfilling, epic love life with, not 10.
The key to an authentic, blossoming relationship isn’t vast male attention, but your own authenticity and willingness to be vulnerable, present in the moment, and open to communicate your needs to someone who wants to hear and honor them.
If you are in a relationship: “success” in your relationship doesn’t depend on how willing you are to sacrifice yourself or make yourself the perfect girlfriend or wife.
It depends on how much you are willing to be your true self. That means being authentic, treating yourself the way you want to be treated by your partner, and expressing your needs and desires openly and lovingly, because neither you nor your partner are mind-readers.
If you identify yourself with “failure” you make it really hard for yourself to navigate your way into a blissful and fulfilling relationship, because you don’t even believe it’s possible for yourself.
Here is what I want you to know above else:
You are not a failure.
Not in love.
Not as a woman.
Not as a girlfriend or wife.
Not as a lover or as a friend.
You are on a journey.
You are the creator of this journey.
Your past doesn’t define you.
It is never too late.
You are not a failure, love.
The future, tomorrow, right now, the present moment is yours.
You have choices when it comes to who you allow yourself to be.
You are capable of inviting and creating beautiful love in your life.
You have so much to give.
You deserve love; no matter what anyone has told you.
You deserve true love.
You are not a failure.
The only thing in your power is WHO you give yourself permission to BE. From there everything else can grow. It starts with YOU.
Who you dare to be and what you dare to express, will determine what you receive.
So, this Valentine’s day, I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to step beyond the idea that you have failed, and instead focus on being loving, playful, free, kind towards yourself, your partner, your family, and the world at large.
See what happens if that kind of positive, open, and receptive energy radiates from you. The world around you will change.
If you want to get step-by-step support and dive deeper into creating amazing love in your life, I’d love to invite you to join The Busy Girl’s 6-Week Plan To Balance & Fulfillment. The course starts this coming Monday, Feb. 16th and it will teach you all about self-love first and then help you manifest your desires in a way that feels gentle, loving, and authentic.
Questions? Concerns? Worried about time or money? This course allows you to go at your own pace + payment plans are available. Email Caroline@carolinezwick.com and we will find a way to make this course work for you.
With love & happy Valentine’s!